Tag: Rant

How to pee in a straight line…

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Okay, let’s get this straight. I’m about to talk about something disgusting and how I DO NOT GET IT.

How hard is it, as a man, to piss straight? No urinal, okay, there’s a toilet. Okay, there’s a toilet seat on it.

The next step is this: LIFT THE TOILET SEAT AND PEE IN THE TOILET.

You do NOT just piss all over the goddamn thing! Worse is when whoever was in there last decided to piss all over the seat, floor and some of the walls as well.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

I am a man. I know how to urinate in a straight line, even when I’m completely wankered (extremely inebriated). It’s not difficult to pick up a toilet seat and pee straight!

So why, countless times, do I find that my fellow men cannot pee straight? Did their parents never teach them this vital skill? Do they drop their pants, turn around continuously until they are dizzy and then just let rip with a golden shower in whatever direction they see fit?

I have no idea, but every time I see it I am rather ashamed.

Plus, can you imagine really needing to have a crap before you find that? *shudders*

Super-fast broadband? No, not really!

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So, we live in the age when modern life is increasingly integrated into the digital realm. TV, movies, games, newspapers and shopping, all through the internet. So, what happens when you don’t have the wonderful luck to live on a street that has fibre-optic cabling or are near to a phone interchange?

I’ll tell you: sweet fanny adams. At previous addresses, I’ve had sweet speeds of up to 20MB per second, making downloading music, tv et al an absolute dream and completed within a snap of my fingers. Now? I’m getting 0.02Mb/s because I live ‘too far’ from my local interchange.

That means it takes nearly an hour to download ONE SONG, averaging at around 4MB. Streaming videos? Don’t make me laugh. Online gaming? A thing of the past.

Oh, apparently my area is being ‘upgraded’ by BT Openreach with a super-fast fibre-optic interchange etc. But when will this be completed? God only knows. So, wireless internet, aka 3G (or 4G soon) is actually going to be faster than broadband in my home.

What. The. Fuck.

And the general concensus? Oh, it’s ‘coming soon.’

NOT SOON ENOUGH.

I don’t even want to contemplate what it’s like to live in a village in the middle of nowhere, with no hope for anything within the next few years. A digital age? Only if you’re lucky to hit the postcode lottery.